Waking life vs. Dream life

I was thinking about what somebody said to me about dreams. They said that dreams are where we dwell in the 'super conscious' (subconscious). The idea is that in the dream world, existence is what it actually is, and not convoluted the way waking life can be. In waking life we have a tendency to mask our true natures with baggage and shields and thangs that we build up and develop around ourselves. The dream life allows the spirit to roam free, independent of this earth baggage. The realm of infinite possibility is present in this space should we choose it. But the invitation I give is to allow yourself to see your truth in your dreams, in your super consciousness.

An old friend of mine used to say his dreams were exactly like his waking life, he would go to work, talk to people, drive to normal places, etc. To me that means this person is in direct communication with himself and his growth happens in a gradual, straightforward and dependable way. And now that I can see what he is doing with his life, his powers of actualization seem pretty strong. His life is more 'fantastic' or 'dreamlike' in some ways, I imagine, than many other mindsets I can think of.

Not to say that everyone's dreams should be this way, I just think that noticing the nature of the reality in the superconscious could be a helpful tool. I've been noticing personally that in my dreams my relationships with people are quite different than they are in the real world. They are more authentic expressions of how I actually feel. So there is this aspect of being tempted to think that this is all actually going on for myself AND the other person involved because it feels so real (you know the baby with the one eyebrow off the Simpsons? I have that character in my dreams), but really what I realize is it is all me and my true feelings coming out. This goes back to the idealizing vs. reality of humans I was talking about earlier.

So I guess the question I am putting forward is what is the relationship between the earth self and the realm of possibility in the dream self, and how does this relationship affect earth reality?

My Day in Boston

I went to Boston. I started in the North End.








I ate an iceberg salad without complaining! You would have been proud.





I met a couple from Olympia over pastries at Mike's. These were their choices. I had my first cup of coffee since I've been here in New England at this time.





I'm kinda obsessed with the Boston accent. I'm currently being trained in Bostonian.




In the MFA






This is a kitty mummy.



Some things that lead me to believe the person in charge of collecting has a quirky take on things.




This is a map.


At the Boston Public Library

There is no form to this blog entry.

What to say? I've got to say something, you haven't heard from me in quite a while. One of those things, where there is so much happening I'm not sure really where to start.

Well, one thing, my mom is here this week. And she agreed that indeed I am so busy that it's little surprise that I am having a difficult time staying in touch.

So what is it that I am busy doing? I work 35 hours a week. Normal, a little less than normal for the average American even. I don't have to go shopping, don't have to travel to get to work, don't have to cook my meals, clean my place, do my dishes, mow my lawn, rake my leaves, I don't even have to run my own bath! No tv watching, no cell phones (mom will also affirm this, it's not just an excuse I'm using!). When I need new clothes, most of the time they just materialize for me. Mom will affirm this also!

I am busy being in dialogue with what and why I am. I have referred to this abstractly in previous entries--no distractions besides myself, yada yada. But it's true, take away the tv and the relationship and the commute and the story and all the other things that we can 'hide ourselves' with and literally, ALL you are left with is yourself. What do you do with that? First of all, I am realizing there is a lot more there than I thought there was. I'm not surprised though.

Engaging with myself takes place through my body and my mind. I used to shun traditional 'western' psychotherapy, thinking that all of my healing happens through my body, but lately it has been a helpful tool for me. There are actually two volunteers here who are Western style therapists who have assisted me in this regard. But in addition to this, part of the structure of the volunteer program includes different varieties of group therapy (we call it peer mentoring) and practices in conscious communication. I'm embarrassed just talking about it, it sounds so stuffy and white. One of my major reflections in myself lately is the realization that I have basically avoided white culture until now. It has been around, and I did practice classical piano as a kid and go to four year university as a young adult, which both seem to be white institutions. But in terms of attributes like self-consciousness, ego competitveness, relying on external stimuli for affirmation, I have never really identified with those or similar attributes. In terms of strict physical sensation, I have never 'felt' white culture the way other white kids did. The rhythm of the music doesn't match the rhythm of my body. Being insecure about my body or shy or neurotic about who I am seems to not have any function for my well being. I'm not saying that those things are purely caucasian but seem to lean predominantly caucasian at least. Being an artist seems to be part of a white institution, I show work in 'white' settings, but I am post-modern which implies a multiculturalism, but the fact that is has a term 'post-modern' just sounds so official and stuffy and white.

Dang, not sure where I'm going with this, I'm just allowing all these pieces to come out and hopefully you the reader can organize them any way you see fit.

In the midwest, I felt more of a multiculturalism present. It is a newer part of the country and a lot of cultures got started there around the same time. Here it has been white longer, and feels very white. It just does. I have been coming to terms with that, becoming a 'part' of the emotional constructs of whites that I have always basically avoided. Here I come across as loud and shameless, confident, creative...attributes that come across as unusual here. And I realized it for the first time the other day. Maybe also because I live in a building that is a guest center the loudness of my voice is more of an issue, but for the first time I feel more conscientious about who I am and how I am among another culture. The conscientiousness seems like a white thing. That's all. I think what I'm saying is I'm growing up and becoming a more culturally conscious person.

I also think that in the way I was raised I was in such a controlled environment and given so many restrictions that the only place I could find freedom and authenticity was from within. Which is actually a very powerful gift that my parent's overzealous control offered me. A part of that though was a tendency for me to 'check out' and not take part in reality. Some of my feelings of being 'alone' or 'different' in some ways haven't had a chance to level out until now. I used to always see myself as so 'unique' because of this and I can even look back to high school assignments noticing how they always had to be self centered. I could not learn unless I made the assignment very subjective, but that is where I had my control! I was not allowed to date or go out, have my own car, listen to my music, etc etc. I think that inner exploration and inner satisfaction was important but perhaps a tad imbalanced and it seems to be balancing out now. Unable to see a world picture then because I wasn't free to yet. But I think that is a big part of why I am so authentic and confident, because that is an area I have dwelled in quite a bit. That's just who I am. As far as the volume thing, I'm working on that.

But part of that 'inner' self discovery in high school was me socializing quite a bit in my imagination only. Not letting people show me who they really are because I didn't engage in the real world with them. Only seeing people from an idealized dream state. That's something I've been working on a lot because since breaking up with Derrick, it has come up again and again. I just notice people and instead of getting to know them I just make up stories. I recognized this habit from high school and started asking myself about it. I notice sensations of fear and embarrassment come up at the idea of actually talking to and encountering these people in real life. Me embarrassed? Me shy? Me fearful? Yes, me human. Have never allowed myself to be human before in order to grow through these childish and real idiosyncracies. Have always idealized myself in an imaginary realm instead.

The human realm is pretty sobering actually. It's heavy, things happen slower here. But I am gaining more neutrality and equanimity here which seems more fair for all of you. I'm learning that surprise surprise, you're all just people, and guess what, I'm one too. I'm learning to idealize myself less in this mix and not be hard on myself necessarily, but realize that yes I have attribute that may trigger people, such as my loudness and authenticity. Being comfortable to be authentically show up as who I am in any moment feels good for me, but makes some people uncomfortable. I'm not going to change my behavior but I am going to start understanding that it doesn't appeal to everyone. Nothing is personal.

Derrick and Dre R.I.P.

Om, Asato Ma Sat Gamaya
Tamaso Ma Jyotir Gamaya
Mrityor Ma Amritam Gamaya

Lead us from unreal to real,
Lead us from darkness to light,
Lead us from the fear of death
To knowledge of immortality.

Many of you know that Derrick, my partner of the last 3.5 years, and I parted ways three weeks ago. This has been a huge adjustment for us and I just haven't found a way to broadcast it on my blog yet. Basically I have needed some mourning space.

Derrick has been the most influential figure of my life since we have met. Our relationship represented idealism, groundedness, growth of consciousness and domestic bliss. He supported me and gave me a taste of what it feels like to be a grounded person. I never would have had produced three shows of post undergraduate artwork on my own, nor had the strength to go through the dark times alone that we have gone through together. I believe that out of all of our struggles and victories together I have truly learned to rise up out of muck as the diamond I am. The strength of our partnership has propelled and prepared me for this next phase of my life.

In this next phase of my life, Derrick will not be my life partner. Our relationship has prepared me to stand on my own as a spiritual warrior, which I plan to do with much strength. Much that I would not have known without knowing him.

It is with endless love and gratitude that I honor Derrick and our time together. He and I are both starting to gain perspective and it seems that by releasing each other, we are giving ourselves chances to grow and strengthen in other ways. Ways that are ready to show themselves at this time.

Because of our proximity, we cannot have an official ceremony. It is therefore, with this blog entry, that I (and Derrick in spirit) bless the separation. To all of our beloved family and friends, please start to think of us as two separate people instead of one unit. Please send us thoughts of love and support as we embark on the next part of our respective journeys.

I know this has been a difficult change for many of us. One of the most painful parts of this for me has been feeling my family's sadness as we 'lose' a family member. I know it has been hard, and I wouldn't have made the decision if I didn't think it was the right one. If there are any family members of mine who would like to give Derrick any loving well wishes or thoughts, please email him any time: derrickjg@gmail.com he will appreciate the message.

And check out Derrick's journeys at his blog:

http://bikeset.wordpress.com

The Institute of Divine Universal Royalty

This is a birthday card I made for Corwin, a volunteer. I am the chair for the Institute of Divine Universal Royalty, so it is my job to celebrate birthdays. The card is the chicken's revenge. Corwin eats 9 eggs every day, so because of this the chicken is taking a dump on his birthday cake. Posing with the card is the lovely Misha.



This is Nicole, one of my gurus.


This is Joseph, I guess he can be a guru too.

This is Nick Atlas, and he is also a guru for me. He makes artwork from photos of drops of water just like I do!

Elena, she has a Prius and wears colors very well. Total guru.

Horses

I am blessed and lucky to have teachers who work with the volunteers. Living in a guest center, a lot of the teaching is geared toward guests, so there isn't much opportunity for ongoing study with one teacher. But there are two teachers (in addition to the head of the volunteers, Cristie, who I also consider a teacher) who offer weekly classes only for volunteers so we can have an ongoing progress. I really appreciate this. I also really feel compelled by these individuals and I am glad that out of ALL of the (25 or so teachers at Kripalu) I get to work closely with these three. I connect to them.

Jovinna Chan is one of my teachers I will discuss in this blog. She is a dancer and actress and yoga teacher. I really don't know that much about her. She is holding space for a once weekly contact improvisation for volunteers and we have met twice. So far it has been pretty powerful for me.

Contact Improvisation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contact_improvisation) is basically exploring movement. It doesn't have to look like dance and it doesn't have to look pretty. It just is what it is--communication with the inside of my body, communication with the outside of my body. Energies intermingling. My energy encountering another energy--a wall, a floor, a person, another part of my energy--and seeing what happens when they combine. I think what is so powerful for me is how raw it is. When I feel something I have no choice but to let it show what it looks like. If I feel something that isn't pretty there is no learned dance step I can put in its place, it can only be what it is.

This is interesting for me in the consideration of the visual art work I have been making. It is very beautiful, but there is no grittiness to it. No darkness. I am wondering if this baseline my work lacks also makes it lack depth. I think about my work and Anish Kapoors work, his work also has a feel that evokes responses from the energy body, but there is a darkness and mystery to it. I feel like so much in my life I haven't encountered constructively the darkness of my own, but have pushed it aside. Meaning sometimes I don't know what makes me mad or sad, for example, I just feel the feelings come up and then I react. I want to get to a place where I can understand myself and my reactions a little better so I can be more knowledgeable and skillful when I encounter them and STOP reacting, to move beyond that. To be more aware of myself. I have been noticing a lot of my barriers coming up lately and I want to explore them.

So in this contact improvisation a lot of other people's energy is pretty mellow. I have been noticing my energy body in general tends to be REALLY inward and quiet or REALLY extroverted and zany. This is a strange state to exist in and I do seek balance, but at the same time I am not trying to stifle what I am just doing naturally. Anyway, in this dance, a lot of people dance in a really 'flowery' way and I find myself engaging in that soft way sometimes, but sometimes the energy comes up in a very dynamic, gritty way. Sometimes as I am moving in this way I feel very vulnerable but also powerful.

Jovinna was talking about how when you dance with horses you can't look at them but you feel and follow their energy. When they open up a little to you you can open up a little to them. It is a very gradual process but before you know it you are dancing with the horse. She chose me to give an example to the class and told me that she was the horse. We circled around each other in the room while the class observed. She would stop, I would stop. She would bend her knee and hold it in the air, I would do similar, sensing what she was doing so it wouldn't be exact. She would open toward me and dance in some and I would do the same, moving closer. We switched roles and I was the horse. The feeling of opening up and knowing someone would be engaging directly with me was such a vulnerable feeling for me. From the outside, I don't know what it looked or felt like, but on the inside I was completely engaged. There was this other being completely encountering me. I was in control but Jovinna was still trying to enter my realm. I had to let her in-it was inevitable. I would pause and feel her pausing. I would open and she would react to my motion, moving closer. The closer we got the more scared but curious I became. Finally we were there and completely giving, taking, moving in and out and she was matching my dynamic step. She was engaging in the force that I am just learning how to engage in in myself. I didn't have the option to opt out or step away, because I was the one who allowed the moment to happen. I got exactly what I asked for and she didn't let me escape and I had to not only let myself out but let her in as well. I felt like my buttons were being pushed! And I liked it. Maybe on some level I have learned to avoid having my buttons pushed.

After the dance I felt spooked. I didn't know what to do so I walked over to my water bottle and took a drink. I didn't know if I felt completely empty or if I was going to start bawling at any moment.

After class Jovinna told me that I had something very special inside of me that is going to come out. I know every human being is special and I know I have been told similar things before and sure enough they (the special things) have shown themselves to me. Now more are coming out I guess. My body is a conduit of purpose. But to have a teacher, a powerful, skillful, insightful teacher, hold me and stroke my hair and whisper that in my ear, that was a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time and it felt incredible.

Pictures

Here I am in the woods. And below are some new things that I have been making in my new office.

Inspiration for the new things--I picked it up at auntie monica's house from a crate and barrel catalogue.


Yes I spelled catalogue in the sissy way.


My new bunk.

My new office.


My new closet space.
I like these wavy trees.
This is what I see when I walk out my door in the morning.