There is no form to this blog entry.

What to say? I've got to say something, you haven't heard from me in quite a while. One of those things, where there is so much happening I'm not sure really where to start.

Well, one thing, my mom is here this week. And she agreed that indeed I am so busy that it's little surprise that I am having a difficult time staying in touch.

So what is it that I am busy doing? I work 35 hours a week. Normal, a little less than normal for the average American even. I don't have to go shopping, don't have to travel to get to work, don't have to cook my meals, clean my place, do my dishes, mow my lawn, rake my leaves, I don't even have to run my own bath! No tv watching, no cell phones (mom will also affirm this, it's not just an excuse I'm using!). When I need new clothes, most of the time they just materialize for me. Mom will affirm this also!

I am busy being in dialogue with what and why I am. I have referred to this abstractly in previous entries--no distractions besides myself, yada yada. But it's true, take away the tv and the relationship and the commute and the story and all the other things that we can 'hide ourselves' with and literally, ALL you are left with is yourself. What do you do with that? First of all, I am realizing there is a lot more there than I thought there was. I'm not surprised though.

Engaging with myself takes place through my body and my mind. I used to shun traditional 'western' psychotherapy, thinking that all of my healing happens through my body, but lately it has been a helpful tool for me. There are actually two volunteers here who are Western style therapists who have assisted me in this regard. But in addition to this, part of the structure of the volunteer program includes different varieties of group therapy (we call it peer mentoring) and practices in conscious communication. I'm embarrassed just talking about it, it sounds so stuffy and white. One of my major reflections in myself lately is the realization that I have basically avoided white culture until now. It has been around, and I did practice classical piano as a kid and go to four year university as a young adult, which both seem to be white institutions. But in terms of attributes like self-consciousness, ego competitveness, relying on external stimuli for affirmation, I have never really identified with those or similar attributes. In terms of strict physical sensation, I have never 'felt' white culture the way other white kids did. The rhythm of the music doesn't match the rhythm of my body. Being insecure about my body or shy or neurotic about who I am seems to not have any function for my well being. I'm not saying that those things are purely caucasian but seem to lean predominantly caucasian at least. Being an artist seems to be part of a white institution, I show work in 'white' settings, but I am post-modern which implies a multiculturalism, but the fact that is has a term 'post-modern' just sounds so official and stuffy and white.

Dang, not sure where I'm going with this, I'm just allowing all these pieces to come out and hopefully you the reader can organize them any way you see fit.

In the midwest, I felt more of a multiculturalism present. It is a newer part of the country and a lot of cultures got started there around the same time. Here it has been white longer, and feels very white. It just does. I have been coming to terms with that, becoming a 'part' of the emotional constructs of whites that I have always basically avoided. Here I come across as loud and shameless, confident, creative...attributes that come across as unusual here. And I realized it for the first time the other day. Maybe also because I live in a building that is a guest center the loudness of my voice is more of an issue, but for the first time I feel more conscientious about who I am and how I am among another culture. The conscientiousness seems like a white thing. That's all. I think what I'm saying is I'm growing up and becoming a more culturally conscious person.

I also think that in the way I was raised I was in such a controlled environment and given so many restrictions that the only place I could find freedom and authenticity was from within. Which is actually a very powerful gift that my parent's overzealous control offered me. A part of that though was a tendency for me to 'check out' and not take part in reality. Some of my feelings of being 'alone' or 'different' in some ways haven't had a chance to level out until now. I used to always see myself as so 'unique' because of this and I can even look back to high school assignments noticing how they always had to be self centered. I could not learn unless I made the assignment very subjective, but that is where I had my control! I was not allowed to date or go out, have my own car, listen to my music, etc etc. I think that inner exploration and inner satisfaction was important but perhaps a tad imbalanced and it seems to be balancing out now. Unable to see a world picture then because I wasn't free to yet. But I think that is a big part of why I am so authentic and confident, because that is an area I have dwelled in quite a bit. That's just who I am. As far as the volume thing, I'm working on that.

But part of that 'inner' self discovery in high school was me socializing quite a bit in my imagination only. Not letting people show me who they really are because I didn't engage in the real world with them. Only seeing people from an idealized dream state. That's something I've been working on a lot because since breaking up with Derrick, it has come up again and again. I just notice people and instead of getting to know them I just make up stories. I recognized this habit from high school and started asking myself about it. I notice sensations of fear and embarrassment come up at the idea of actually talking to and encountering these people in real life. Me embarrassed? Me shy? Me fearful? Yes, me human. Have never allowed myself to be human before in order to grow through these childish and real idiosyncracies. Have always idealized myself in an imaginary realm instead.

The human realm is pretty sobering actually. It's heavy, things happen slower here. But I am gaining more neutrality and equanimity here which seems more fair for all of you. I'm learning that surprise surprise, you're all just people, and guess what, I'm one too. I'm learning to idealize myself less in this mix and not be hard on myself necessarily, but realize that yes I have attribute that may trigger people, such as my loudness and authenticity. Being comfortable to be authentically show up as who I am in any moment feels good for me, but makes some people uncomfortable. I'm not going to change my behavior but I am going to start understanding that it doesn't appeal to everyone. Nothing is personal.