Horses

I am blessed and lucky to have teachers who work with the volunteers. Living in a guest center, a lot of the teaching is geared toward guests, so there isn't much opportunity for ongoing study with one teacher. But there are two teachers (in addition to the head of the volunteers, Cristie, who I also consider a teacher) who offer weekly classes only for volunteers so we can have an ongoing progress. I really appreciate this. I also really feel compelled by these individuals and I am glad that out of ALL of the (25 or so teachers at Kripalu) I get to work closely with these three. I connect to them.

Jovinna Chan is one of my teachers I will discuss in this blog. She is a dancer and actress and yoga teacher. I really don't know that much about her. She is holding space for a once weekly contact improvisation for volunteers and we have met twice. So far it has been pretty powerful for me.

Contact Improvisation (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Contact_improvisation) is basically exploring movement. It doesn't have to look like dance and it doesn't have to look pretty. It just is what it is--communication with the inside of my body, communication with the outside of my body. Energies intermingling. My energy encountering another energy--a wall, a floor, a person, another part of my energy--and seeing what happens when they combine. I think what is so powerful for me is how raw it is. When I feel something I have no choice but to let it show what it looks like. If I feel something that isn't pretty there is no learned dance step I can put in its place, it can only be what it is.

This is interesting for me in the consideration of the visual art work I have been making. It is very beautiful, but there is no grittiness to it. No darkness. I am wondering if this baseline my work lacks also makes it lack depth. I think about my work and Anish Kapoors work, his work also has a feel that evokes responses from the energy body, but there is a darkness and mystery to it. I feel like so much in my life I haven't encountered constructively the darkness of my own, but have pushed it aside. Meaning sometimes I don't know what makes me mad or sad, for example, I just feel the feelings come up and then I react. I want to get to a place where I can understand myself and my reactions a little better so I can be more knowledgeable and skillful when I encounter them and STOP reacting, to move beyond that. To be more aware of myself. I have been noticing a lot of my barriers coming up lately and I want to explore them.

So in this contact improvisation a lot of other people's energy is pretty mellow. I have been noticing my energy body in general tends to be REALLY inward and quiet or REALLY extroverted and zany. This is a strange state to exist in and I do seek balance, but at the same time I am not trying to stifle what I am just doing naturally. Anyway, in this dance, a lot of people dance in a really 'flowery' way and I find myself engaging in that soft way sometimes, but sometimes the energy comes up in a very dynamic, gritty way. Sometimes as I am moving in this way I feel very vulnerable but also powerful.

Jovinna was talking about how when you dance with horses you can't look at them but you feel and follow their energy. When they open up a little to you you can open up a little to them. It is a very gradual process but before you know it you are dancing with the horse. She chose me to give an example to the class and told me that she was the horse. We circled around each other in the room while the class observed. She would stop, I would stop. She would bend her knee and hold it in the air, I would do similar, sensing what she was doing so it wouldn't be exact. She would open toward me and dance in some and I would do the same, moving closer. We switched roles and I was the horse. The feeling of opening up and knowing someone would be engaging directly with me was such a vulnerable feeling for me. From the outside, I don't know what it looked or felt like, but on the inside I was completely engaged. There was this other being completely encountering me. I was in control but Jovinna was still trying to enter my realm. I had to let her in-it was inevitable. I would pause and feel her pausing. I would open and she would react to my motion, moving closer. The closer we got the more scared but curious I became. Finally we were there and completely giving, taking, moving in and out and she was matching my dynamic step. She was engaging in the force that I am just learning how to engage in in myself. I didn't have the option to opt out or step away, because I was the one who allowed the moment to happen. I got exactly what I asked for and she didn't let me escape and I had to not only let myself out but let her in as well. I felt like my buttons were being pushed! And I liked it. Maybe on some level I have learned to avoid having my buttons pushed.

After the dance I felt spooked. I didn't know what to do so I walked over to my water bottle and took a drink. I didn't know if I felt completely empty or if I was going to start bawling at any moment.

After class Jovinna told me that I had something very special inside of me that is going to come out. I know every human being is special and I know I have been told similar things before and sure enough they (the special things) have shown themselves to me. Now more are coming out I guess. My body is a conduit of purpose. But to have a teacher, a powerful, skillful, insightful teacher, hold me and stroke my hair and whisper that in my ear, that was a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time and it felt incredible.