Many Truths

So I decided that the experience of living in the nation's largest yoga center lies somewhere pretty evenly between normal culture and alternative culture (i.e. for the sake of argument, off-the-grid places, ashrams, and other intentional communities. This means the transition to either pole would be relatively smooth. But which one is more appealing? This also means that alternative cultures seem more accessible and perhaps more natural.

I took a hike in the rain yesterday with my friend Nicole. We found ourselves sitting on a collapsed pier at the edge of an abandoned pond. As we merged with the rotting wood, raindrops and each other, the experience expanded and smiled and discussions traveled into realms of string theory, fearlessness, supply and demand, mother earth, and seeing just how far we're willing to acknowledge our power to will time and own each moment, existing in the endlessness of every one.

Just before then I felt forever in the way the water held its monastic presence; so still underneath the patter of the raindrops I almost willed myself to believe I could walk on it. Transform myself into matter that could do such things. Instead I became wood and similarly still, endlessly happy in the moment, realizing the largeness of who I am beyond what I can see but still knowing, still feeling. Feeling my limited scope amidst my huge being. And I pulled that moment and stretched it about as far as I was capable to do--maybe as tall as those trees surrounding me. Maybe I was all of those trees surrounding me.

There is a good quote from Ghandi: The way to get to know yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others. I look at myself and my life before this seva (sanskrit for 'selfless service', a term for the jobs we do here) and karma yoga (one of the eight branches of yoga, basically volunteering) and I don't feel like I have changed per se. I have been through experiences which have fundamentally changed who I am, but fundamentally here I feel very much the same, more myself even. But the most notable difference I think is my feeling of not needing anything. I used to always feel like I didn't have enough money, or I wasn't where I wanted to be in terms of location or career. But here I feel satisfied. I don't find myself scheming or trying to figure out improvements for my life. I do have goals, but they don't feel as fear-based as before. I have said before and have decided before that I don't think that fear and God have anything to do with one another and I want to walk with God. That is something I have always worked toward and here I feel it with more clarity than I ever have I think. I also remember for my senior art show how I made that light box piece which was a silly comic strip called "Dre's Lil' 7th Chakra Primer" and in one of the squares it said, "I always feel like I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time." And here I never feel that way. This is a really happening place and I'm at the center of it. Not to say that my life is all action all the time, far from it, but where ever I have been finding myself lately, it consistently feels correct. It's where I am. Not the place itself, but me. I am the right place and the right time. And I feel like I've learned this lesson now and I think I will always feel this way.

All those things, status and career and locations and possessions, seem like distractions that get in the way of life actually happening. I mean, all of those things happen, but it seems like they happen better when inadvertently so, unattached to fear.

Another aspect of this is my increasing view of the decreasing importance of money. This has been a gradual development since college for me as many of you know, but this idea of mine also seems to have more clarity here. Here I feel like it could be perfectly conceivable to become completely monastic and live by the whims of what the universe gives me. We get to experience this on low levels at Kripalu. There are plenty of community items such as books and clothes that volunteers share, and it has me reflecting on how much space and material effort it takes to maintain such collections when one lives in a real house. But they are really just temporary things. I mean sure I really like having some of my favorite items and my durable, functional, nice things, but for the most part clothes are pretty interchangeable. And sometimes I find nicer things than I can find on my own when allow myself to let them find me. Same with books, you read it, and then do you really need it? Most books that is, I really like having a few favorites of course, but really. I think books are meant to be shared. The universe allows us to keep that which we actually need. I think I also decided yesterday that that's why music is mostly free now--we're entitled as humans to it. The real experience comes from spending time in the presence of the artist's vibrations (i.e. a concert), and what's beautiful about that is you don't acquire material possessions, you acquire a beautiful memory which is worth more money than a dust collecting cd.

Anyway so I am feeling like the further I am getting from my fears (which seemed to be tied to material possessions) and the fuller my life is feeling from what I am allowing the universe to bestow upon me, the more expansive I feel. And it is a pretty exciting feeling. I have very high expectations for myself.

Signing out, with love.