Stories About Stories (Babies Making Babies)

It smells great here in Kansas City.

The sky is blue, there is NO green on the trees (we ain't got evergreens like you do, oh no, no hills neither). Sixty some odd degrees it reached today, in this somewhat desolate, meaty aroma-ed atmosphere. I feel sweet; going outdoors without a jacket is so liberating.

The trees are haunting here. Their gorgeous skeletons look so dry I almost can't believe they will grow leaves again, and they look so defiant--jagged branches plunge out, violent and graceful against periwinkle background. The wind blows through them and rolls over me as I wander through loose park, straggling behind, hearing in some places my dear angel Kelly talking about birth politics with Heather.

And my vibe is still, I stand still, what feels to be stiller and stronger and more distinctive than ever before. Everything has changed. Everything is still. I am still.

Some emotional opportunities have come up so far that I would normally get swept away in. I have noticed a temptation to do this, and even an inclination or beginning of doing this, but the stillness seems to pervade and interfere. And through this stillness, this space held, life is allowed to happen. Healing and progress allowed.

Amidst this I find myself catching myself. Being close to home is allowing things to hit me close to home. I'm seeing some more things, things I wouldn't have thought of myself so I'm glad I didn't try to.

Today I spent the day with dad. He is a sweet man and so emotional. He has a very active mind so it is interesting to be around that energy. He is also very well endowed with earth energy and being around him feels constructive. Makes me feel more like manifesting those things I'll be doing, I'm starting to see the process with which I am able to snatch things from the sky with my fingers and mold them and turn them into life. We ate an amazing lunch at the good Indian buffet. We bought reeds for his Selmer Mark 6 saxophone. We went to Whole Foods and he had fun checking everything out, he got himself some multivitamins for 'mature' adults and kidded with the check out girl who relished in giving him a hard time.

I knew I was supposed to come to KC, of course I didn't know WHY but made a story about it anyway. Now that I'm here, things seem to be happening so quickly and so needily, like crying children that need to be fed NOW. At the same time I find myself catching time and hanging with its resonance. Finding myself sitting a lot, being, waiting. Opportunities and tasks popping up, sounds of helicopters in the air, a flash of de ja vu in the kitchen as I unload groceries. I remember this. I remember mom being out of town and what? What is this strange feeling that is coming over me again?

I cooked. We thought about turning on Seinfeld and did, but within seconds of sitting down to the food we both decided that it didn't feel right. Dad regaled me with stories with and without beginnings and ends, things got alluded to and conclusions were awoken to and I held space, watching him bloom. He loved playing soul music in high school and talked about his band leader, an original mc who took after James Brown. Talked about being led by feel rather than sheet music. Spoke with so much feeling and sweetness and nostalgia. Talked about things done and not done and would haves and lessons learned and the kinds of things my dad likes to talk about. Talked about fear and why he left music behind. Talked about growing up with two parents who were musicians, and how his dad didn't push him to take lessons until he wanted them, but then when he wanted those sax lessons how his dad had the connections to get him the best sax teacher in St. Louis. Life going on.

Right around then we got a phone call, it was my cousin Trisha from Louisiana who is not a frequent caller. Grandpa Joe, dad's dad, collapsed in the middle of Ash Wednesday mass. He had a heart attack. And that was the last five hours of my evening.

March 4th Update: My dad, expecting the worst, went to Louisiana to be with his family. However it wasn't my grandpa's time. Grandpa Merello is better, and with an adjustment in his vitamins and medicines, everything should be fine.